日々の音色 (Hibi no neiro) by SOUR

Patton on Matrimony

“When a man get’s married, he must be just as careful to keep his wife’s love as he was to get it. It would be very sad for both of them if he said to himself, ‘Now that I have you I need not worry about losing you’. Don’t do that, ever!” – Gen. George S. Patton

Turning Back Around

I apologize for the lack of updates lately. Between enjoying my summer and lack of inspiration to write a post, I haven’t found much time to write.

Another reason is because my faith seems to be lacking. I think it’s a combination of a few things. For one, I’ve been overexerting myself with all this spiritual and theological thinking alongside a rigorous curriculum at school. I just kind of burnt out and I’ve begun to take time for myself lately. Secondly, I’ve become a little disillusioned  with fellow Christians in my community. The reason I have for joining the church I currently attend is because the pastor had fantastic sermons. Maybe I was caught up in a spiritual rush at the time, because all I hear any more is filler. “Have faith in the Lord. The Devil is trying to tempt us.”

I have begun to realize that sermons should not be my first priority when choosing a church. With effort and a Faith-driven will I can find that truth on my own. What I truly need is a community. Somebody I can share my thoughts with.  Even to find one outside a church where people aren’t spouting out verses for vanity, blindly praising Him for brownie points, or looking to recruit. Please show me that you are Christian in way of life and not words!

I’m looking for something simpler in my faith than I have previously sought after: living my life and being thankful to Him for it. To know that He expects nothing in return, but I shall willingly serve in gratitude, regardless. I’m thinking I’ve been caught up too much in technicalities: churches, denominations, interpretations of the Word. Identifying those differentiations help me to grow, but inevitably reap nothing in the end. I don’t think God notices the difference between a Methodist and a Presbyterian.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s started to feel like a chore again, going to Church, and that should never happen. Granted, I’m not going to church on the premise that it’s fun to go. It’s because I want to go and I’ve committed myself to it. Right now I’m feeling rather depressed because I’m just wandering around aimlessly again, but I’m thrilled that I’ve got way more ahead of me. It’s galvanizing knowing that you have another challenge ahead of you. Please, somebody, tell me you know what I’m feeling…

Clay Hearts and Porcelain Words

I thought I’d add some variety by writing some poetry. Enjoy.

There is a wandering homonculi
A man made of dust and clay
His eyes burn red as he searches
For a woman with a fire inside

She is a chimera
A lady dressed in another’s clothes
With a serpent gaze and a feline grace
Who wears the mask of someone from before

Her doll eyes look down and to the left
As she shyly lies hidden in a field of grass
They glitter behind her painted face
Burning like cinders into the soul of the observed

Guided by starlight and flickering lamps
He watches where he steps
As he listens for a whisper from her lips
That calls “Come home to me”

Without so much as a breath
His breast lies still as death
His vacuum of a chest reverberates
With the echoes of each step

His feet march to the cadence
Of her beating heart
Pulsing with a sanguine aether
Beneath her porcelain frame

Fragments of a broken rib
Grind in his side
So he cakes it with mud
And trudges onward

Amidst a blanket of gold
He finds her glistening
With the sweat of a thousand dew drops
And he lies with her in a bed of daffodils

An ancient name and a word of love
Expose themselves to a sky of fireflies
And her milk white fingers
Leave chalk lines across his back

With heartfelt adulation
The daughter of Echidna
Whispers loving lies into the ears
Of the son of Ouroboros

Enfolded in his arms, she says goodbye
Crocodile tears fall from her glass eyes
Her strawberry lips char his raw umber cheeks
And he crumbles back to dust

As he floats on the breeze to a dark forest
At the foot of a cold mountain
She goes back to sleep
Crying out to another earthen lover

The God Box

A question I usually confront myself with when assessing my religious views is, “What is my God box?” What is a God box? A God box is an individual’s current image of God and everything that God is.  For instance, a simple example would be a God in a toga, who looks like Zeus and lounges on top of a cloud throwing lightning bolts. This God answers your prayers and controls every facet of the universe. Many of us have shared this God box before.  Another God box would be “God is Love”.  In this image, God is more than just a concrete being. He transcends reality and becomes a concept as well. Depending on how you say “God is Love”, this could be seen as a more mature God box. These two examples are what I meant by  ”God box”.

My God box is constantly under evaluation, constantly evolving. Currently I see God as many things: He is the omnipotent father of all things, He is the historical/spiritual Jesus, and It is a spiritual entity that is nebulous in nature and can only be described by what It is not. This could be referred to as the Trinity. My God box is meshed with the concepts and realities of Allah and Buddha, not because I extract what I like from each religion to make my own “cafeteria-style” religion, but because I see how they are the same.  I say He is Love, but I don’t say it like others usually do. My image of God is One who does not do what you ask of Him. He helps you, but not in the way you often want. His will is beyond our will, implemented on behalf of not only our own sakes but everything else’s.

The best way to describe it is the will of a doctor and the will of a patient. We ask the doctor to cure us of our ailments. He cuts us up, he tears things out, he gives us pills. We go through all this invasive treatment with promise of feeling better… and at the end of the day we still feel nauseous and dizzy. Our sutures burn with pain, our insides are roiling inside of us, and the adverse effects of the medication makes us feel even worse. “How does this make me feel better?” the patient asks. The patient and the doctor shared the same goal in curing an ailment, but there was a difference in wills. The patient’s will was to be comfortable. To FEEL better. The doctor’s was to actually fix the problem. The patient was looking for instant gratification while the doctor was addressing the immediate medical priority AND the long term health of the patient. The doctor’s will may not be immediately inherent, but when you stand back and look at what all is going on and also realize that he is not just diagnosing you but hundreds of others don’t you think that what the doctor provided the patient was ultimately more beneficial than what was asked for? Trying to keep myself from writing a novel of a blog, this is the best I can describe what I see God as right now. There’s so much more to God than what I can describe at any point in time.

That’s what determines the scope of my God box: my ability to intuit God. My God box only exists to break God into digestible, bite-size pieces. It’s like a television, which is only capable of showing you what is able to fit onto film. What you see on the screen implies so much more, but you are not able to experience it in its entirety. As time passes, my God box seems to grow bigger and bigger to accomodate for my rapidly expanding image of God, and with each passing evaluation He becomes harder to contain into a box. My God box becomes more strained as I stretch it out. So what is going to happen when it reaches it’s limit? Is it going to halt in it’s tracks? Or is it going to split at the seams and bottom out? Is it going to be too much for me and I’ll just give up on it all? The problem becomes more than just being able to find out what God is. It also becomes an issue of preparing myself to experience more of what He is. It becomes an issue of my integrity as a vessel for God.

And after all that is said and done, after we have established a God box…what does it matter? What was it’s purpose? All we did was construct an image of Him, we never found Him. Wasn’t the God box constructed to help us see God in His entirety? How does it do that by cutting it into pieces? How does it help us see the big picture when all it is capable of doing is showing us a small window into what God is? How can we know who God is by making up our own idea of Him? One thing we must be aware of when constructing this God box is that what we see in it IS NOT GOD. It is our projections that we place onto what we believe God is. What we see in the God box we are more than willing to name God Himself. As DeMello said in Awareness, “people fall into idolatry because they think that where God is concerned, the word is the thing.” We construct a description of who we think God is then we fall into the rut of worshipping that, forgetting that it was only a guess at who He is. DeMello wrote about how he was confronted by a world-renowned scripture scholar. “It never struck me that I had been an idol worshipper all my life! My idol was not made of wood or metal; it was a mental idol.” DeMello reminded his readers that those that had constructed their own mental idol were the more dangerous idol worshippers because “they used a very subtle substance, the mind to produce their God.”

Maybe I was never meant to contain God in a box. Maybe I wasn’t meant to contain Him within me, this body serving as a Temple. How could all of what God is be within me? Maybe I’ve been using the wrong word this whole time. I’m not a vessel, I’m a conduit. I am a channel through which He flows through. Right now, the God box seems irrelevant. My experience and my ideas of God right now have surpassed any words that I am capable of expressing right now.  Right now it doesn’t feel like I could fit what I’m feeling inside a box and I’m all the better for it.

Excerpt from Awareness by Anthony deMello

A little boy was walking along the bank of a river. He sees a crocodile who is trapped in a net. The crocodile says, “Would you hae pity on me and release me? I may look ugly, but it isn’t my fault, you know. I was made this way. But whatever my external appearance, I have a mother’s heart. I came this morning in search of food for my young ones and got caught in this trap!” So the boy says, “Ah, if I were to help you out of that trap, you’d grab me and kill me.” The crocodile asks, “Do you think I would do that to my benefactor and liberator?” So the boy is persuaded to take the net off and the crocodile grabs him.As he is being forced between the jaws of the crocodile, he says, “So this is what I get for my good actions?” And the crocodile says , “Well, don’t take it personally, son, this is the way the world is, this is the law of life.” The boy disputes this, so the crocodile says, “Do you want to ask someone if it isn’t so?”

The boys sees a bird sitting on a branch and says, “Bird, is what the crocodile says right?” The bird says, “The crocodile is right. Look at me. I was coming home one day with food for my fledglings. Imaine my horror to see a snake crawling up the tree, making straigt for my nest. I was totally helpless. It kept devouring my young ones, one after the other. I kept screaming and shouting, but it was useless. The crocodile is right, this is the law of life, this is the way the world is.”

“See,” says the crocodile. But the boy says, “Let me ask someone else.” So the crocodile says, “Well, all right, go ahead.” There was an old donkey passing by on the bank of the river. “Donkey,” says the boy, “this is what the crocodile says. Is the crocoile right?” The donkey says, “The crocodile is quite right. Look at me. I’ve worked and slaved for my master all my life and he barely gave me enough to eat. Now that I’m old and useless, he has turned me loose, and here I am wandering in the jungle, waiting for some wild beast to pounce on me and put an end to my life. The crocodile is right, this is the law of life, this is the way the world is.”

“See,” says the crocodile, “Let’s go!” The boy says, “Give me one more chance, one last chance. Let me ask one other being. Remember how good I was to you?” So the crocodile says, ” All right, your last chance.” The boy sees a rabbit passing by, and he says, “Rabbit, is the crocodile right?” The rabbit sits on his haunches and says to the crocodile, “Did you say that to that boy? The crocodile says, “Yes, I did.” “Wait a minute,” says the rabbit, “We’ve got to discuss this.”

“Yes,” says the croodile. But the rabbit says, “How can we discuss it when you’ve got that boy in your mouth? Release him; he’s got to take part in the discussion, too.” The crocodile says, “You’re a clever one, you are. The moment I release him, he’ll run away.” The rabbit says, “I thought you had more sense than that. If he attempted to run away, one slash of your tail would kill him.”

“Fair enough,” says the crocodile, and he released the boy. The moment the boy s release, the rabbit says, “Run!” And the boy runs and escapes. Then the rabbit says to the boy, “Don’t you enjoy crocodile flesh? Wouldn’t the people in your village like a good meal? You didn’t really release that crocodile; most of his body is still caught in that net. Why don’t you go to the village and bring everybody and have a banquet.” That’s exactly what the boy does. He goes to the village and calls all the menfolk. The come with their axes and staves and spears and kill the crocodile. The boy’s dog comes, too, and when the dog sees the rabbit, he gives chase, catches hold of the rabbit, and throttles him. The boy comes on the scene too late, and as he watches the rabbit die, he says, “The crocodile was right, this is the way the world is, this is the law of life.”

Manhood Survey

So I finally read The Oracle, the university newspaper at TTU. The editorial editor wrote an article on manhood. I saw nothing that had to do with manhood, just a lot of blaming man for the horrible world we live in, making good vs. evil a black and white issue, and discriminating against homossexuals. Regardless, I think you guys should read it. I’ve provided a link here: The World Sucks, It Is Someone’s Fault.

What does “manhood” look like? What does it mean to be a “real” man? What does it mean to be a manly man or a man’s man?

Manhood looks different with each person, specific to each man, because it’s more about what he does and less about what he looks like to others. For this reason, I don’t like the terms “manly man” or “man’s man”. Those type of men are trying to find affirmation based upon the regards of other men. I think it’s mindless. A real man isn’t defined by how he interacts with others; he defines himself.

What are some of the key attributes or characteristics of a “real” man?

A real man should always be searching, always looking for ways to better himself. He shouldn’t be afraid of being wrong, and should recognize when he is. Women are not beneath him, nor are they above him. He should not objectify women, either. Most importantly, a man should have his own values and be his own person. Sir Richard Francis
Burton put it perfectly: “Do what thy manhood bids thee do,/ From none but self expect applause;/ He noblest lives and noblest dies /Who makes and keeps his self-made laws.”

What does true manhood look like in the home and at work? What is the proper role of a man in the home, at work, and in the community?

I think a man should never make expectations of others that he wouldn’t fulfill himself. He should help out his own family and, while holding his family to a high standard, he should hold himself to a higher standard. That being said, housework isn’t something to be delegated to wives only. HELP HER OUT A LITTLE!  If he’s letting society determine what is right for him to do or not do, then he’s not thinking for himself. Work is not life, it’s just an aspect of it. It shouldn’t keep a man from spending time with his family or work on his own goals. However, work shouldn’t be seen as a vehicle for making money. He should apply himself to his work. Same with the community: he should apply himself for the benefit of others, not himself. The key here is balancing all these aspects of life.

When does a boy crossover and become a man? Is there a particular age or set of events that mark him as a man?

Manhood is relative to each individual, I’d say, so there is no specific age range or set of events that mark him as a man. Nor do I think it’s a singular event where one minute you’re a boy then BAM you’re a man. It’s a progression that lasts until a man dies. I do think, however, there is a landmark along the way from which it’s almost impossible to regress from. It’s seen as a series of intuitive leaps and personal experiences. He finds something he’s passionate about and he acts upon it. His vocabulary increases dramatically, he suddenly finds the right words to describe precisely how he feels, and he becomes more in touch with himself, distinguishing his neuroses from his true thoughts. He becomes a man because he becomes himself, finally knowing who that person is for the first time.

What events and/or people have shaped your thinking on this subject? If there is a particular person or two that have shaped your thinking, what was it about them that left an impression on you?

A close friend of mine from home, Bethany Herron, asked me one night what church I went to. I didn’t go to one at that time. I considered myself a Christian, but along with not going to church I didn’t do anything else with my Christianity. I was stagnant, content with where I was, content with saying I believed in Him and leaving it at that. That called me to get up and do something about it. It also made me look at other aspects of my life where I was content. Was I stagnant in other parts of my life? If I considered myself to be a man, what was I doing to establish and improve myself as a man?

I’m not saying Christianity is what makes someone a man.I’m not even saying religion makes someone a man. I’m saying Christianity is what helped make ME a man. Allah, Buddha, or lack thereof are just as capable at doing this. Ultimately, the man is responsible for making himself a man.

Are there any essays, books or other literature you’ve read that give you insight or clarity?
Currently reading Awareness by Anthony DeMello, which helps you observe yourself and how you look at others

Emerson’s The American Scholar. The thinking man vs. Man Thinking is something I believe every man should be aware of.

Beyond that, it’s what you’re most passionate about that determines what literature can serve as a gateway to insight. Mine was The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis.

A Collection of Thoughts: Christianity

I’m so tired mentally, it’s been hard keeping up with the regular blog posts lately. I just don’t have the drive to write anything that makes me think. It’s the most inconvenient time to feel that way, as I’m being confronted with several issues that are calling for my attention: Christianity, responsibility, self control with alcohol, my views on sex, and generativity.

Concerning my Christianity, a lot of my concern has been sparked by my recent inconsistency with going to church. I just feel so guilty, whether it’s for rational or irrational reasons. Why am I feeling so guilty? I’ve been putting it off because with nursing school and personal time and my philosophy group and home errands all vying for a slot in my weekend schedule, Church gets put on raincheck. A lot of the guilt comes from my mother telling me how I would go to hell for not attending Church. Attending Church seemed to be the way she gauged how good of a Christian somebody was. Bleh, I hate that feeling, but it’s ingrained in me pretty deep. An extra kick in the balls came when I drove by a mob right off of Dixie St. near South Patio of Tennessee Tech, where I go. Sticking out of the mob was a huge banner saying “Turn to Jesus or Burn in Hell”. A head-turner, but what piqued my interest was the fact that some of my militant atheist friends were in the rabble. I parked nearby and walked over to see what the hell was going on.

Turned out there was an evangelist by the name of John making some pretty condemning statements and there were people gathering around, some yelling back at him. Initially, I was rather disgusted with what he had to say. He was spouting nothing but hate and damnation in the effort of scaring people into Christianity. Where was that going to get someone? What is the quality of faith of a Christian guided by fear? John was playing on their fear of death, on their fear of hell and damnation. Sometimes, I wish heaven and hell had never been mentioned to humans because I think it skews the true motives of a Christian. The ultimate goal of Christianity shouldn’t be a reward/punishment complex.

So there he was, shouting the Gospel as he saw fit, ignoring “foolish questions” and speaking over them. The opposing side wasn’t squeaky clean either. Students were spitting at his feet, blowing smoke at him, flashing porn, exercising their poor understanding and recognition of logical fallacies (quick note: pointing out a contradiction that has no relevance to the argument has not made anybody look smart since the sixth grade). There was even a point near the end when some of the students came back with posters saying “Honk if you love beer”, “Honk if you love porn”. I didn’t know what to think other than both sides were being idiots. Other than that, I felt pretty conflicted on how respond to it, if at all.

What I saw was a lot of fear and hate. Hate in John’s words, fear in his avoidance from certain confrontations. Hate from the spiteful students, and fear from those who continued to spite him. Fear from the Christian students who had felt that same way I had felt to some degree. They tried to confront him, tried to tell him that there were those who believed, to which he replied “I’m not here for you, I’m here for the unsaved. If you believe, then go and tell them the Truth,” to which they retreated a few feet and prayed. I chose to abstain from the prayer because I wouldn’t have been praying for the right reasons. It wouldn’t have been for John, it wouldn’t have been for the “unsaved”, it wouldn’t have been for God. Rather, it would have been at God asking for him to forgive me, to wash my hands of all that toxic feeling. That wasn’t the time to be thinking about myself, I thought. Instead, I kept on listening to John and to the few sincere questions that were asked and he would respond to amidst all the jeering and honking.

I don’t know about anybody else who was there, but I felt the love that had come from him. Beneath his vanity and his hate and his fear, there was a lot of love in what he had to say. If any of you remember my blog a while back about hypocrisy, this is a shining example of that post. Most of what John said may have been skewed or out of context, but it wasn’t entirely untrue. There was a teaching value to his words. To the best of his abilities and understanding, he was trying to help others, although not entirely for their sakes. In his eyes, by spending his money on a banner, by driving out two whole hours, by standing up to the heathens, the smokers, the prostitutes, the Sodomites he was a warrior on behalf of God. That was how he showed God his love.

And don’t think he wasn’t listening to those jeers. Don’t think he didn’t notice the spit at his feet. He was fighting back the look of defeat near the end and the only way he could hide it was by being more resolute. By making more accusations. He had to keep that warrior spirit in the face of evil. He wasn’t going to concede forfeiture. Down to the minute he left he was preaching, as flawed as everyone thought it was. In some ways it was noble, despite the foolishness of it.

Three days later I’m still trying to figure out what to think about it all. He might not have won over any Christians, but he kept me thinking in a time when I was staggering in my Christianity so I hope he didn’t leave feeling that he had failed in his mission.

On Religious Differences

Why do people who believe they are religiously right hate people of other religions? Shouldn’t that feeling be pity, or sadness instead of hate?

Mmm, I’m not to fond of saying that they should feel pity or sadness, either. To feel those would imply that something is wrong. Is there something wrong for them having different beliefs? Wouldn’t that be the tiniest bit presumptuous of us to think it was pitiable that they didn’t think what we thought? That would suggest we’re right if we pitied them, wouldn’t it? We’d pity them for having misled beliefs.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s laudable, but I think it would be more appropriate to say it is worthy of my appreciation. It’s a new perspective that can teach us about their values or more about our own.

I’m reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh right now called Living Buddha, Living Christ and in the third chapter he talks about how he was confronted during a meal at a religious conference. A minister asked him “Are you a grateful person?” He said yes. “If you are really grateful, how can you not believe in God? God has created everything we enjoy, including the food we eat. Since you do not believe in God, you are not grateful for anything.”

But was Thich Naht Hahn ungrateful? A common Buddhist practice is to be mindful. It is to be in the present moment and appreciate the “suchness” of things. To appreciate the air we breathe, to be mindful of the food we eat, bringing us nourishment with each chew we take. It’s an awareness of what we have rather than what we have lost or what we do not have. I would like to call that gratefulness.

On Religious War

I’d say one cause for religious war is selfishness. The motivation isn’t truly because “God wills it” or “Allah wills it”, but personal gain.

Pope Urban II launched the First Crusade to extend his power to Constantinople and beyond with an added bonus of fighting off the Seljuqs from previously Christian territory. The Crusaders were in it for all kinds of reasons. If you paid attention to Urban II’s speech, he referred to the Crusades as a pilgrimage. Anybody who died in battle would be remitted of their sins, for they were doing their duty to God. That probably had something to do with it. Also the plentiful amount of loot they would have amounted.

Now I’m not too familiar with Muslim beliefs and practices, but I’ve also heard that some modern terrorism is fueled by the belief that it is to glorify Allah and they will be rewarded with a harem of 72 virgins. Terrorists try to push this concept to take advantage of other individuals who either truly want to please Him or are more inclined to the prospect of a harem. One small problem with that is that Islam does not reward suicide. These small group of terrorists twist words and blur the line between martyrdom and suicide to take advantage of the rest of the population, especially the uneducated, for the sake of fighting the opposition.

On both sides, there was also a little bit of fear involved. Each side was afraid for their own sakes, their own fates, their own souls. They wanted to go to Heaven or any similar paradise, and they were told that going to war for the sake of their savior would make them shoe-ins for salvation. Any doubts they might have had about whether what they were doing as wrong would either be vindicated by calling the acts of war “on the behalf of God” or overshadowed by their own fear of damnation. Again, personal gain: getting into heaven. It’s a dangerous incentive that I think we’re all guilty of wanting. It’s not bad to want it, but sometimes it distracts us from the true motives for having faith.

Furthermore, I think religious wars are about spreading the influence of one’s own religion to another territory or purging another influence from your own territory. Isn’t that also personal gain? It’s because it’s YOUR religion and YOUR territory. You have invested some of yourself in these properties, so again it’s about you and what is yours. We want OUR religion to be the one that is right. If we just had religion as is, not place our ownership on it, I don’t think there would be too much call for religious wars.

So whether it be selfishness or even slightly enlightened self interest (“for the glory of God. My God”) a lot of these wars are a result of us wanting to make it about ourselves. We’ve got to take ourselves out of the picture. Let the ways of God, or whoever we choose, be done through us, not by us. Don’t confuse that with blind faith. One you have to work for, one you don’t.

Translations of Pope Urban’s Speech: http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/ChurchAndMinistry/ChurchHistory/Crusades_PopeUrbanClermontSpeech.aspx
Interesting blog post on the Reward of 72 Virgins: http://theuglytruth.wordpress.com/2007/03/04/debunking-the-suicide-for-72-virgins-myth/